Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Would you like some BS with that pizza Private?

August 28, 2009

Some ridiculous story is making the news today, via The Telegraph, of a British soldier, down from Iraq for some R&R in Kuwait ( that’s an oxymoron in itself) who claims he was kidnapped by ‘Islamic fanatics’ when he nipped out for a pizza in the middle of Ramadan’……LOL.

Now I think it could have been one of several things – he’s suffering from PSD (Pre Pizza Stress Disorder) , he’s been ‘boynapped’ by a few sex crazed Saidies or some Bengalis felt there was a penny or two to be made from this bloke if they could only get into his pants…..or….he woke up after having consumed copious amounts of distilled Eth and hadn’t a clue where he was…..and thought he could fly …. off the balcony.

Nice try Private, but here in Ramadan nobody has the strength to carry out a kidnapping, never mind contemplate one.

7 ways to beat swine flu this summer

August 23, 2009

1. Stay home and create an indoor spa with splashy background water music, a wind machine and a bright light.

2. Stay home and read a book.

3. Don’t eat pork (ok only joking).

4. Homeschool.

5. Order food online.

6. Turn down all party invitations.

7. Suicide.

Why we hate the French

August 12, 2009

They bottle bath-water and call it Perrier
They eat poor froggie’s legs then throw the rest away
They eat raw garlic and invented croquet

That’s why I hate the French,
That’s why I hate the French

They all wear berets and they’re all called Jacques,
They even steal from us the words they lack
Le weekend, Le Camping and cul de sac
That’s why I hate the French,

That’s why I hate the French.

 

And All their songs sound more or less the same
La la la la la la la la………je t’aime

France’s existence is such a shame
That’s why I hate the French,
That’s why I hate the French.

They bake their bread in such a naughty shape
They brag about their wine and worship the grape
They criticise our food but then they eat loads of crepe
That’s why I hate the French,

 That’s why I hate the French.

And now they started coming here in their droves
French cigarettes, French letters and French clothes

That prick Van Gough cut off his own earlobes

 

That’s why I hate the French,
That’s why I hate the French.

For breakfast they have croissant or French toast
And there’s always some French letters in the post

But it’s their accent that I hate the most

That’s why I hate the French,
That’s why I hate the French.

They’re pretty cocky ’bout their games in the dark’
They think with girls they light a special spark
Look what the bastards did to Joan of Arc
That’s why I hate the French,
That’s why I hate the French,
That’s why I hate the
French.

Hey Mambo…..Silvio, you old Lothario you…..

July 24, 2009

A very, very frightening thought, image, possibility has arisen…..More tapes about Silvio Berlusconi’s sleaze scandal have been released – this time apparently of the Italian leader after having sex.

I don’t even want to imagine how horrible that could be.

Sky News reports :  ”The recordings were made by high-class escort girl Patrizia D’Addario, 42, who insists she spent a night at the 72-year-old’s home. In an explicit conversation, the woman is heard praising a man, said to be the prime minister, for his “performance”.He replies she should have “sex with yourself more often”.Political insiders said the graphic nature of the recordings could prove fatal in Mr Berlusconi’s close relationship with the Vatican.”

Well yes, stating the bleeding obvious there, aren’t we…..

Silvio says she may have visited his home, but he can’t remember her ( were there so many? ) and in any case he would never have paid as this would have spoilt the conquest…….how very……”Italian”…..LOL

Oh, and guess what, the ‘girl’ in question was 42- you old rogue, you like the older women, don’t you? Well there’s hope for all of us…..I knew there was a reason I loved Italians.

Out of the mouths of babes

July 18, 2009

Watching  a movie with my five year old and black rocks start falling from sky,

”What’s that mama?”

”That’s a meteorite.”

”Ah what mama? Me and you are right?”

” Yes, that’s it……….”

Swine Flu Laugh

July 17, 2009

Image

So, a pig walks into a doctor’s surgery and says,
”Hey doc, I think I have……….”

Indian State Demands Virgins………..

July 15, 2009

Naughty girls don’t get the state’s blessing in India these days as the state sponsored wedding officials are demanding virginity tests ( now sorry , but let’s not even go in to how ridiculous that is in this day and age of bicycles and tampax….) and pregnancy tests.

A row has broken out in the central state of Madhya Pradesh after some 151 girls were ordered to take the tests. The results showed 15 girls were pregnant. These brides were then excluded from a mass ceremony in Shahdol. Well, better than 151 pregnant…..

Kudos to Chief  Minister Shivraj Singh Chauhan  for his attempt at a sound bite the UK Labour would be proud of, as he said they had not carried out “virginity tests” but the girls had simply undergone “procedural medical examinations”. Mmm, yes, open wide, but not too wide.

Just a thought, but were 151 virginity (or STD tests) carried out on the grooms?

Words of wisdom from a toddler

July 15, 2009

 

My son has come out with a couple of things that have set me off this week. The first was when we were bringing the shopping in from the car and we saw a rather huge spider skuttle off under my Japanese grass ,

”Mama that spider was soooo big, he was lunch!’ said half pint……

Then in bed the other night, after bed time story, he reached over and pointed to the side of my face as I lay on his pillow. He touched the side of my eye and said, very concerned,

”This bit  here looks a little bit old……”.

Ah lovely, pass the botox.

Privates not on parade- and whatabout hot Ahmadi?

July 15, 2009

Rain , snow and freezing fog in Kuwait?

No that’s just wishful thinking on our part……………oh for a drop of water in this inferno. My very nostrils feel on fire and I have had to put vaseline up my nose to stop it burning…….what on earth did they do before AC?

Well this morning’s Arab Times tells us the’ Ahmadi police recently raided two apartments and arrested 41 Asian women who had reportedly advertised in their mother tongue inviting men for what they called ‘temporary marriage’, reports Al-Anba daily. A security source said the advertisements placed on apartment walls said the marriage pleasure cost KD 3 for one hour. All those arrested have been referred to the concerned authorities…..’all heating up even more down KOC way then……

Several Kuwaiti cadets have contracted swine flu in the UK- let’s hope they don’t intend to return to Kuwait to visit mama and baba…..or have they just manufactured a cough and the sniffles to miss parade?

I need a hobby

July 11, 2009

I need a hobby. Thinking of upsizing from 2 kids to 4…..what do ya all think?